I was standing alone in my bedroom balling my eyes out, on the phone to a friend and mentor. On the other end of the line, there was a voice shouting every expletive imaginable, expressing pure, fiery anger and disgust. Not at me, though.
Most of you reading these words will be in some way like me: We learned very early on in life to close our vulnerability, because we were in an environment that wasn’t safe to expose such a pure part of ourselves. We were judged, shamed, ridiculed, or punished for authentically being. Given such circumstances, learning to close off certain (essential) parts of ourselves was a matter of inner survival.
I know that personally, I got so good at hiding my vulnerability that I nearly forgot I was actually doing it, and the process of first recognizing what I had lost (or buried), then excavating it, was quite intense.
Perhaps you can relate.
In the spirit of the season, today's vlog is all about the most important intimate relationship any of us can cultivate - the one we have with ourselves! Conscious single hood is a vital part of most of our journeys at one point, and today's vlog explores the importance of embracing it as such. Enjoy!
Emotional processing is absolutely fundamental.
Let me qualify that statement: I learned at a very young age that certain feelings were not okay to express, to take ownership of or maybe even to have - and that if I did express them, I would be either rejected or punished because of it.
So I developed a lot of unhealthy ways of hiding and contorting my feelings. I became a master repressor - automatically burying my feelings before I even fully recognized them consciously.
Today's post is a VLOG I recently made that I'm very excited to share with you.
In this video I share my experience with and an approach that has been a complete game changer for me in the realm of emotional processing - turning towards and integrating all of the feelings that traditionally I would have turned away from.
I am a crown prince of tiggering. Or I would be, if they gave out crowns and royal designations for getting triggered and acting a fool.
But, alas, they do not. Still, I have a colourful history of getting triggered and enacting outdated, inappropriate and toxic patterns - not an incredibly unique trait, I know. But one of the greatest journeys of my life so far has been studying the process of emotional “triggering” - in my own life. Slowing it down while I am in it, learning the signature thoughts and feelings of various unconscious patterns that have traditionally subsumed me, and developing the awareness and emotional resilience to withstand this type of inner coup.
Last summer I poured myself a glass of water and decided to try something different that I'd heard about:
I held my hands above the cup of liquid (which was simple, unadorned filtered tap water), closed my eyes, and started to imagine energy beaming out of the centres of my palms and into the water. I breathed into my heart as I visualized and felt the energy of money, joy, and material flow both inside me, and flowing through my palms, infusing my water with its essence the way a bag of tea would.
Except this was a lot more interesting than most tea - it was a flavourless, odourless alchemical infusion.
The mythology of Christmas tells the story of many of our deepest inner lives.
Take the hard-hearted Ebenezer Scrooge who, visited by three ghosts and taken back through time to witness the calcification of his empathy and humanity, has an incredible awakening to the divinity of self, other and life.
Most of the great Christmas stories we tell are some variation on this theme of heart-opening, often assisted by a child or divine intervention (ghosts, Santa etc). You might say that they all depict some form of transformation into Christ (or more accurately, Christmas) consciousness.